OWLD PHARTZ ON TOUR

Episode 1 – Aussie revenge for the World Cup or Botany Bay?

The Owld Phartz have decided to follow Graham on his travels – albeit for three weeks and not a year ……… or more! In recognition of the tour, the Owld Phartz have been granted the Guest Writers status on the blog for the next couple of weeks or so. So welcome to the Owld Phartz on Tour Section.

Many of you will remember the colonisation of Australia through Stingray Bay, later becoming known as Botany Bay. It seems Melbourne Airport may be the new Botany Bay!

We had planned our journey with military precision – or so we thought ………. Newcastle to Melbourne via Dubai and Singapore …………. the 6 hour stop-over in Melbourne giving the opportunity for last minute Christmas shopping; even though it would be 2:00am local time when we got there the fire-breathing Home Leader’s capacity for retail therapy is well-known – so time of day should be of no consequence …………….. or so we thought!

We had booked luggage and passage through to Auckland, so there was no need to leave the ‘international’ [or flight-side is the technical term I think] bit of each point of stop-off, go through passport control, off-load luggage …….. OR SO WE THOUGHT!

However, as we were approaching Melbourne an announcement from the flight deck advised that all baggage had to be collected from the baggage reclaim. We were also told that we had to be processed through passport control. We were a bit puzzled about this as we assumed we would be staying flight-side but nonetheless complied with the request and proceeded to the passport control booths.

At passport control, we were advised that as we had neither visa nor ETA to enter Australia AND AS THE AIRPORT WAS ABOUT TO CLOSE ………… we would be entering Australia illegally! At this point it is probably worth emphasising that I did not think we needed a visa or ETA for the stop-over on the way down, but knew one would be needed for the return journey [that is my version and I’m sticking to it!]

The Customs Officer began talking about a $5000 fine for each illegal passenger – at which point the bottom lip did quaver somewhat at the thought of how many pints of Guinness that equalled! He began to allay our fears by continuing that they would take no further action if Emirates accepted responsibility to supervise us until the ongoing flight.

By this time we were joined by 2 other couples, one with a small child, who were in the same predicament as us – not advised by anyone that Melbourne Airport closes from 2:00am until 6:00am. Had we known of this arrangement, unless we were insane – or Sunderland supporters – WHO would have opted to spend 6 hours in ‘protective custody’ in an empty Melbourne Airport when we could have spent the time being pampered in the Emirates Business lounge in Dubai!

So …… sorted, or so we thought – the Emirates lady would chaperone us through the night!

WRONG AGAIN!

As soon as she got us away from passport control, she buggered off having told the lone security guard what was happening. He gave us a telephone number to ring him from anywhere in the airport if we got stuck and told us we could ‘wander round the airport for the next few hours – although everything would be closed! He also asked us not to go into any of the shops that were open [but closed] as they are alarmed and they were a bugger to turn off once they were started!

• Was this a double bluff?
• Could we have ransacked and pillaged Melbourne Airport?
• Drank the duty free dry?
• Deliberately enter ‘No Entry’ gates?
• Gorge ourselves on the well-balanced and highly nutritious menu options within the average airport burger bar?
• Was there really only one security guard – or were there thousands cunningly concealed about the airport waiting to catch us out if we even pharted in the wrong place and consign us to a lifetime of antipodean penal servitude?

Yes, you’re right, we chickened out of any further mis-demeanour and spent the next 3 hours meandering aimlessly around the empty airport buildings, plotting our escape [more accurately plotting our complaints strategy to Emirates] as well as scaring the crap out of one or two unsuspecting cleaning ladies we encountered on our travels who had obviously not been alerted to our presence! [Those cavernous, empty airport lounges certainly do amplify screams in the dead of night!]

Come 5:00am, as the staff were arriving to open up the Emirates Business Lounge the 3 couples and one small child were united in adversity! Dehydrated [more of that later] and starving – none of us had any Australian coinage to get any thing from the vending machines we encountered!

• We would take on the might of Emirates for their poor customer care!
• Maureen and I would not go directly to the Business Lounge and leave our Economy Brothers-at-arms to their own devices until the plane took off at 8:00am!

BOLLOCKS!

The comes a time when every man must look after himself. The prospect of hot showers, a change of clothing, copious amounts of food and drink, relaxing in a serene and tranquil environment overrode team spirit – although in my defence I did try to get our comrades access to the Business Lounge and when that failed smuggled them out food parcels [although I couldn’t find a cake big enough to hide the obligatory file or escape map].

The rest of the journey went as well as the pre-Melbourne bit and we arrived in Windy Wellington – and that was without me having any Guinness!

Must sign off now. Can you wait until the next enthralling episode of the intrepid travels of the Owld Phartz on tour? …………..

Until the next episode ………………..